Horrors of the Sorting Hat
by MnemeMemory
Summary: Oneshot! Another year at Hogwarts, and the Sorting has commenced upon - the Yu-Gi-Oh! gang! Watch in terror as the Sorting Hat confronts the gang about which House they are destined to enter! (Rated T to be safe)


_**Disclaimer:**_I own nothing. The Yu-Gi-Oh franchise is forever beyond my reach (cries) and Harry Potter even further (sobs).

**Warnings**: swearing (maybe). Malik being Malik, Yami Bakura being Yami Bakura. OOC-ness

_**Talking**_**: Sorting Hat**

**::Talking:: speech between Hikari's-Yami's**

**Aibou: **'partner'. Yami calls Yugi that in the anime (and I've seen it floating around fanfiction quite a lot).

**-Sensei: **'teacher'; form of address

**Hikari**_**: **_'light''

**Yami: **'dark'

Enjoy!

"And I would like you to welcome some exchange students to Hogwarts from Japan!"

The Hat was not having a good day. Its song – which it had spent _all year_ on – had made _no_ impression on those thick-headed students _at all_. The regular students had all reacted rather predictably to the fact that _yes, it could speak_ and _no, it was not going to hurt you_ and they all went to _Hufflepuff_ or _Slytherin _or _Ravenclaw _or _Gryffindor_ to be bought up into the same ideals and prejudices that were _precisely the reason no one could have a good, _clean_ Quiddich match_!

To top it all off, Dumbledore had organised _transfers_. After what had happened last time, the Hat had been _sure_ that the Headmaster would at least _see sense_ and NEVER ALLOW TRANSFERS TO HAUNT THE HALLS OF HOGWARTS AGAIN! (They had yet to unfreeze the Quiddich pitch, and the scorch marks in the library just _wouldn't come out_).

The Hat was pissed. Not just annoyed – though it _was_ annoyed – and not just angry – though it _was_ angry. The Hat was _pissed_. Hadn't it warned the Headmaster that things such as this would happen? Hadn't it _predicted_ (with startling accuracy) the _damage_ that those last two batches of transfers would _do_ to the school?

But had Dumbledore listened this time, when he had invited this new group of children to the school? Had Dumbledore even _asked_ for the Hat's advice?

No.

So here they all were again, another round of transfers, another year of dodging balls of fire or blasts of ice.

The Hat wanted to wail. This year was _not_ going to be its favourite.

"Let us start with Yugi Mutou."

An extremely short boy (perhaps a growth defect?) with strangely spikey hair that stood almost as tall as he did.

There was a brief, awkward moment as the Hat was placed on top of one of those ridiculous spikes and actually fell off.

_Good morning, my boy_, the Hat said once he was once again perched precariously on the young boy's head. While it was feeling distinctly uncharitable towards the poor boy, the Hat fully realized that it was its responsibility to Sort the children of this school into the House that would suit them best.

"Hello…" the boy said in a small voice.

_And House do you…_ the Hat paused. _There is someone else in this mind_.

"Rats," Yugi muttered. "We'd hoped you wouldn't notice."

_We?_

::Me::

If the Hat could have jumped, it would have.

_And who are you_?

::An old, old soul. Don't bother with me. Really. Just sort Yugi. _He's_ the one who has to learn this _magic,::_ the Hat could almost _hear_ the sneer in this strange voice.

The Hat flipped through a few of Yugi's memories. When it got to the information regarding this strange entity living in this boy's mind, however, something dark blocked it.

::I don't think so::

_I'm afraid I'm going to have to inform the Headmaster about this, you know_, the Hat said grimly.

"Oh, he knows," Yugi said in a small voice. "Didn't he tell you?"

Rage descended on the Hat. For a second, it would have happily jumped off this poor boy's head and walked away (that was, if it had possessed legs, of course).

_No_, the Hat said after taking a moment to calm down, _He did not_.

"Yami's perfectly harmless," Yugi continued. "Sort of."

_That's what I'm worried about_, the Hat said mournfully. _Oh, well. You can't be worse than the other two groups, I suppose_.

"Other groups?"

_Never mind. Well, let's begin sorting, hmm? Your bravery is incredible. I can't see most of the details_ – here, if the Hat could have glared at this entity called 'Yami', he would have – _but I _can_ see that, despite your diminutive stature, your courage is impressive_.

"Hey!" Yugi protested. "I'm not _that_ short!"*

_Yes you are_, the Hat said gently to the poor, deluded boy. _But I'm not going to put you in Gryffindor. Your loyalty – to both your friends and to your…spirit…exceeds your bravery by far. And I think your temperament is too…kind…_

"So where are you going to put me?"

::You'd better put aibou in a good House, Hat, or else…:: Yami trailed off threateningly.

_Point taken_, the Hat assured him. _I'm going to put him in _"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Yugi quickly hopped off the stool and stretched to grab the Hat, placing it down quickly and fairly running to the Hufflepuff table.

"Anzu Mazaki,"

A tall girl with short brown hair and a cheerful grin skipped over to the stool and placed the Hat on her head.

"Good evening," she said politely.

_Good evening to you, too. _The Hat almost sagged in relief at the fairly normal-looking mind. _Okay, let's see what House you have a greatest aptitude towards_…

The Hat wondered through the girl's mind, getting a feel for her emotions and thoughts.

_Very loyal – _extremely_ fond of your friends…you want to be a dancer? What are you doing here?_

"Yugi was targeted by that evil wizard, and he wanted us to all be safe. Dumbledore-sensei agreed to take us for a while, until the threat is negated," Anzu answered promptly.

_Yes, yes_, the Hat said distractedly, frowning as it once again tried to fish for information on that dark spirit he had found in that other boy's body. Once again, however, something blocked it.

"Sorting Hat-sensei?" Anzu asked timidly.

_I know the perfect place to put you_! "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Anzu practically skipped over to Yugi to sit down next to him.

"Katsuya Jounouchi!"

A tall blond boy swaggered forward.

_Another interesting mind…_ the Hat mused.

"Whoa!" Jounouchi jumped. "You _can_ talk! Kaiba's gonna throw a fit!"

_Excuse me_? The Hat asked politely (though it was already flicking through the boy's memories to check to see who this 'Kaiba' was).

"Nothin'. Just get on with the Sorting, would ya?" he asked.

_Of course – of course…though it seems as though there's really only one place to put you. Your courage is simply astounding._

"Is that a compliment or an insult?" Jounouchi asked suspiciously.

_A compliment!_ The Hat assured him hastily.

"Okay,"

_Very well. I think I'll put you in _"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Malik Ishtar!"

A stunningly blond boy with dark-rimmed eyes (_Was that makeup_? The Hat wondered) strode forward and grabbed the Hat, bringing it up so that they were face to face.

"I've been talking to Dumbledore," Malik said warningly. "If you go through my memories, you'll _wish_ you'd have been sent to the Shadow Realm!"

Then he plonked down grumpily on the stool and shoved the Hat onto his head.

_That was uncalled for_, the Hat protested.

"Please. I know a thing or two about mind manipulation and control – I could feel you going through everyone's memories like a nosy toddler from outside the Great Hall," Malik sniffed disdainfully.

_Now, you _can't_ go saying stuff like that and not expect me to be curious…_ the Hat sighed – but even as it turned to look at the boy's mind, something black and gold shoved its way into the Hat's mental vision. _Oh, dear._

"Try that again and I'll sick my Yami on you," Malik growled.

_Yami? Like that other spirit possessing that boy? Yugi?_

"Yeah, I should be so lucky," Malik muttered. "Hurry up and Sort me, Hat, before I _shred_ you!"

_Yes, yes – I don't suppose you'd allow me a _little_ peek into your mind? Just to confirm my suspicions_? The Hat asked hopefully.

"And I don't suppose you'd allow me to rip you to pieces? Only a _little_ bit?" Malik mimicked.

_There's no need to be rude_, the Hat huffed. _Very well. I think I'll put you in _"SLYTHERIN!"

Malik smirked and sauntered off, taking off the Hat carelessly and throwing it at the stool (it didn't miss, but not by much).

"Seto Kaiba!"

An icy boy with brown hair and blue eyes strode forward, muttering to himself. In one hand he held a silver briefcase.

"I can't believe I'm playing along with this," he muttered, jamming the Hat onto his head.

_Well, well, well…_ the Hat said wonderingly. _You really don't believe in magic, do you?_

Kaiba simply sat rigidly on the stool and stared at the far wall, ignoring the Hat completely.

_There's no need to be rude_, the Hat muttered, attempting to shove its way into the steel-trap of a mind this boy possessed. _Intelligence – indeed, you possess incredible intelligence…though your single-mindedness and ambition say that you do not belong in Ravenclaw…_

This boy was, perhaps, proving to be the most difficult yet.

It didn't help that he completely and utterly believed that everything happening at the moment was some trick or something – _or_ his friends had drugged him. That was about all the Hat could get, however, because suddenly something very large and white (_Dear Helga Hufflepuff, was that a _dragon_?)_ roared and blasted the Hat out of the mind. It yelped a bit, and then settled down once again gingerly on the boy's head.

"SLYTHERIN!" the Hat shouted shakily, unable to comprehend what had happened. A dragon? In a child's mind? Of course, that mind was anything but childish…still, it was another thing it would have to report back to the Headmaster about.

Kaiba plucked the Hat from his head and handed it to the waiting Professor, then walked coolly and calmly over to the table of snakes, sitting as far away from Malik as humanly possible.

_Interesting, very interesting_, the Hat wondered, though most of its mind was too focused on what had just happened to begin analysing things at present.

"Mokuba Kaiba!"

_Good Godric Gryffindor, there's _another_ one?_ The Hat thought in horror.

The boy who bounced his way over to the Hat, however, was short and stocky where his brother was tall and lean. His black hair fell past his shoulders, and his large eyes were wide with childish curiosity and glee.

"Hello, Hat-sensei!" he said enthusiastically, pulling it onto his large mane of hair and sitting on the stool, fairly trembling with excitement.

_Hello to you, too, Mokuba_, the Hat said.

Looking into this childish mind, the Hat felt finally at ease. _Here_ was a child – _here_ was something he was used to. Every year since the Founding of Hogwarts, the Hat had perched atop the minds of children to Sort them into their respective Houses.

At that moment, the Hat vowed never to complain about predictableness – about _normality _– ever again.

_You are just as intelligent as your brother, Mokuba_, the Hat commented, interested. It didn't bother to try to gain any new information about the group; the Hat had a feeling that the shadow – whatever it was – would be protecting this one, as well. _Your loyalty to him is truly amazing_ (especially considering what a cold bastard he is) _but Hufflepuff is not for you_.

"Why not?" Mokuba demanded. "Maybe I _want_ to be with Anzu and Yugi!"

_You do not belong in Hufflepuff_, the Hat repeated_, though if Ravenclaw was not a chice, that it where you would go. Your heart is too kind for Slytherin, and as for Gryffindor…_the Hat paused. _I truly think you brother would destroy me if I put you into the House that opposes his. _

"Oh," Mokuba asked. "So I can't go with my brother, either?"

_No, certainly not_, the Hat said quickly. _As I mentioned earlier, your heart is too kind_. It is the House of Eagles for you_._

"Okay_._" Mokuba sighed.

_Very well_. "RAVENCLAW!"

"And for our last transfer student from Domino City, Japan, please give a warm welcome to Ryou Bakura!"

A skinny boy (or was the figure a girl?) with long white hair and milky pale skin walked forward timidly.

"This isn't going to end well," he muttered – he _was_ a boy – and before the Hat could wonder what he was talking about, Ryou Bakura jammed the Hat onto his head.

_Well, well, well…what do we have –_

::GET OUT!::

The Hat drew back, shocked.

"Sorry, Sorting Hat-sensei," Ryou sighed.

The Hat got the impression that something was very, very wrong with this boy.

::Get him out, Landlord, or I'm going to have to do something that _thing_ is going to regret::

The voice – similar, in many ways, to the spirit possessing Yugi; but at the same time, far more threatening – sounded terrible. The Hat didn't want to reach out and touch such a mind…but he _must_ Sort this boy…

_::Hikari_…:: the Voice hissed menacingly. ::Am I going to have to collect some more rent?::*

"H-hai," Ryou swallowed thickly, trembling. "Please, Hat-sensei, just Sort me somewhere. My yami is not happy with you. You'd be best do it quickly, before he sends you to the Shadow Realm."

_You know, that's the second time today I've heard that threat. Where _is_ the Shadow Realm_? The Hat sighed. _And another thing – what is all this 'yami' business? The first one was called Yami – it seemed to be his name – but you other two seem to use it as a title of some sort. What is with that?_

"_Please_, Hat-sensei!" Ryou said desperately.

::I'm getting impatient, Hikari,:: the Voice snarled.

_I am _sick_ be being threatened_, the Hat muttered. _I am the _Sorting Hat_. I have been alive ever since the Founders created Hogwarts. Show some respect!_

::Yeah?:: the voice turned silky smooth. ::Well _I_ have been alive for _five thousand years_, you _child_. Shouldn't you respect _your_ elders?::

_Five thousand years? Impossibly!_ The Hat scoffed.

Ryou groaned, but neither the Voice nor the Hat paid him any attention.

::Impossible?:: the Voice laughed mockingly. ::Hardly. Let me show you where I took up residence…::

"Bakura!" Ryou sounded particularly panicky.

::Not now, hikari. I'll get to you in a minute::

Ryou seemed to cower under the Voice, and went silent.

_I would put you in Slytherin_, the Hat sighed – completely ignoring the Voice's spluttered growls at being ignored – _but I'm afraid poor Ryou here would completely buckle. From what I sense, he's already fragile enough._

::No matter. I can take care of him,:: the Voice said dismissively.

_You're the one who _caused_ the fragility. No, no, I think he needs to be somewhere less…demanding…_

::If you're insulting me,:: the Voice seemed to grow in strength and power. ::Or him…:: he added as an afterthought. ::I'll…::

"Bakura!" Ryou hissed desperately.

::Not _now_!::

"HUFFLEPUFF!" the Hat yelled before the Voice could do anything.

::Damn you, I'm with the Pharaoh and his geeky-girlfriend?:: the Voice roared in anger and Ryou tried to take the Hat off. ::Oh, you are _asking_ to be banished…::

"No!" Quickly, the boy shoved the Hat away and sped across towards Yugi – leaving the feint, transparent image of what seemed to be his rather evil-looking twin behind.

"Oh, dear…" the Hat heard someone say. "This is unfortunate."

Then the Hat was in a void of black and purple swirls. Behind it, the evil twin of Ryou Bakura cackled.

::Welcome to the Shadow Realm! Maybe the Headmaster can persuade me to let you out – in a millennia or two!::

**Note:**

*Okay, so _maybe_ I'm going a bit overboard here – but seriously? Have you _seen_ the guy in some of the earlier work? It's, like, _miniscule_! (I haven't actually watched much recently, so I'm going off what I remember). Sorry if that offends anyone

*I think it was mentioned that Yami Bakura stole the souls of poor little Ryou's friends as a form of 'rent'.

**Author's Note: **Okay, so that's done (not the best ending, but – hey – I'm writing it from the perspective that the Sorting Hat would have _seriously_ ticked off Yami Bakura). I might try to write a few spin-offs of these, but don't count on it. By the way, my internet time is usually severely limited, so the only time I'm really on it recreationally is when I'm posting these. Sorry for some of the inaccuracies!

Next Year: Percy Jackson


End file.
